Old Man Noises by Ross Bennett

all men get to this age, now I don’t know if women ever get to this age. let me se.. let me see of course you’re not there , you’re not there yeah I can’t tell if you’re there, you’re there and this guy you’ve been there for a while.

now what age am I talking about him at the age I’m starting to make noises when I don’t want to make noises if I do any kind of work around the house I make two noises one noise when I do the work and then another noise is about a second later and it sounds like I’m thinking about the work that I just did. now I’ll show you and you’ll get what it looks to be, raedy dears , here we go .

everyone get it , we ‘re all on board, that’s the whole joke right there, everything, two noises , I move a lamp around, a little floor lamp, I make noises doing almost nothing,  sitting down, I come home at the end of the day, I sit in my chair at the end of the day, have you ever sat down made a noise and had people concerned for your well-being after you make the noise,  whoo !!!

–  are you okay, are you all right

– I’m fine thank you very much, I got my butt all the way back thank you.

you know I won’t tell you how old I am , you know, it’s actually bad luck in the show business to reveal your age to an audience , but I’ll tell you this I recently purchased a bed,  the bed came with a 20 year warranty and as I paid for it, I’m thinking to myself :

– this is my deathbed

– so I’m getting a pillowtop, I deserve it

I make noises doing almost nothing , adjusting the thermostat in the living room , now how much work is a thermostat ?

a dial’s on the wall , a little dial, sounds like I’m dragging a piano across the room

ah , man I love doing jokes and I do my thermostat bit and you laugh because that means you know what a thermostat is ! it’s like these are my people,  I’ll do that joke in Manhattan and get no response because they all live in apartments with radiators they don’t know what a thermostat is I better explain to audiences, like in Manhattan, what thermostats were,  like there were children,  like there were little children gathered at my feet all right all right listen up listen up,  no no no scoop forward , story time outside of cities they live in the houses, yes they do they really do,  inside their houses they have a choice as to what the temperature is going to be it’s like science fiction , because if  you’ve ever lived in an apartment with a radiator not a lot of minut temperature adjustments with radiators , radiators are on , are off

and in the winter you could either comfortably hang raw meats in the living room oh you’re running into your hallway on fire, the only way to adjust the temperature in apartment where the radiator is …  open the window ,  we have a landlord here ladies and gentlemen,  yeah we knew it , they raise and lower the window to adjust the amount of the arctic air mass to go and let in ,

– honey it’s getting toasty , time for a nor’easter.

this kind of fight is kind of funny I hope it is,  I’m at a friend’s apartment,  I’m in a friend’s apartment,  he’s adjusting the temperature with the window , see …  so as a  joke I take a magic marker on the edge of the window I just wrote in 7876 74 that’s funny right that’s funny I call that a Brooklyn thermostat that’s a brooklyn thermostat,  when I work up in Canada I have to adjust that joke cuz they’re on the Celsius scale you know ’cause Canadians are very , you know Canadians are very earnest they’re good people but they take what you say literally,  right now I’m over there I’m going 7876 ,  Canadian guy stands up

– you’re gonna kill him , that’s too hot ! doesn’t he know ? you’re burning them up ! they’re gonna be burned up ! what kind of a man are you ? 

I love Canada my only problem with Canada’s their coins ,  Canadian coins come down and live amongst us I don’t know about you folks,  if I get a Canadian quarter in my change my day is shot.  cuz for the rest of the day it’s like I’m a kid I’m playing tag and I’m it cuz I’m trying to give it to somebody else sometimes you got a Canadian quarter and you don’t know you got it so it goes in your pocket you won’t see it all day you’re gonna buy something , you reach in your pocket what you think , it’s a regular quarter and you get this other thing and they’re deceptive,  same size and the same weight but they have a different picture, in  your mind you’ll try and justify it,  oh my gosh I just noticed apparently George Washington was a transvestite

my father my dad my dad used to make the same noise when he’d adjust the thermostat in our house only then he’d look over his shoulder,  I mean my dad used to go,  if you go , then look over at me , go back that thermostat, I think he thought I was somehow hooked up to the thermostat and if he got the temperature right I’d become the son he wanted , there you go that should do it right there , no that ain’t gonna do it .