Jeff Allen – Menopause Is Worse Than PMS

marriage is it’s give and take it’s …it’s … it’s … you, you make you make concessions you make things you know I’m a recovering drug addict alcoholic I’ve been I’ve had 32 years without a drink I’ve been married 33 years so after a year of marriage, I realized it was one or the other and I made a decision to quit now tammy has had closet vision for 33 years and it’s one of those things that drives me crazy as a husband but she won’t do anything to correct it and are you telling me this is closet vision for 33 years this is how we have a date to go out tammy will get in the shower get out of the shower she’ll wrap herself in a towel she’ll stand in front of her mirror she’ll do her hair do her makeup and then she’ll walk into her closet and go blind for an hour all I hear coming out of the closet there’s nothing to wear nothing nothing every now and then she’ll emerge holding something what do you think of that and I say you’ll look beautiful in that you’ll go you’re just saying that you’re right, I am I don’t care put on burlap, let’s just get to the restaurant before they change management one more time and I was thinking about it this has got to go back to the garden of Eden it really does it says in the bible Adam and Eve sinned for the first time it was the first time they felt shame, shame of their nakedness and they felt if they could clothe themselves they could hide their shame from God, it was the first time mankind clothed themselves so you know Adam got dressed right away first leaf on the ground I’m ready let’s go [Music] Eve probably shot that guard in three four days never found anything just walk around I don’t know what he expects us to wear there’s nothing to wear around here Adam’s going try the fake nobody wears a fig after September you idiot try the fern, the fern makes me look fat don’t you have an animal to name get out of here it’s amazing how quick tammy’s vision would come back once she was dressed because she’d leave the closet look at me and go you’re not wearing those clothes out are you no these are my practice clothes they went out of style while I was waiting for you to get dressed I mentioned my grandbabies I am a grandfather and anybody here as a grandparent knows those are the most specials. special people on the planet they really are and they’re the most heartwarming and I can tell you where I was and what time of day it was when my granddaughter the first grandchild we had said my name papa she was in the bathtub we were watching her she was at the house and she was splashing around in a tub in the early evening and my wife calls me into the bathroom she says you got to hear this and my little granddaughter’s sitting there and tammy says Evelyn who is that and Evelyn goes papa I’m telling you man I started crying and that’s what tammy said you need to get a blood test for that low stuff I’m not kidding you she says you need to go … get tested for low tea and I said sir I honored my wife that’s what you do you honor your wife I got tested blood tests anyway they call me up and they go you don’t have low t I go I don’t he goes no you have no one zero we had to retest it was so low they told me I was elevated in estrogeni had high estrogen levels and no testosterone which explained all the HD TV I had been watching yeah my friends would call me on Sunday hey man the bears are on I’d go no hey man chip and joanna got a special so I said to the doctor if I do this tea thing if I do this teeth thing what will it do for me and he said you’ll be like a 25 year old man again I wouldn’t really will I be that stupid because I got to tell you I don’t think my body could survive my 20s again I really don’t he says no you’d be like a 25 year old and I go really I got a 58 year old menopausal wife at home I think I should consult her to see if she wants a 25 year old man chasing her around she’d finally put a knife in my chest and end it I know she would next thing you know she’s on date line trying to defend herself you ever watch dateline I’m telling you the whole franchise the spouse is killing each other that’s it men, men watch five datelines with your wife you’re looking right in the eye we doing all right you and me yeah I’m telling you that menopause I didn’t see it coming I really didn’t there are nights that I lie in bed and dream about the good old days of PMs trust me there are weeks that go by I cannot get her home cold enough for her body I’m telling you there’s not enough freon in the world if there’s a hole in the ozone it’s over the roof of my home in Tennes see it’s 48 degrees in my bedroom I got me at hanging off my curtain rods she walks in and turns on some 64-bladedfancy installed I had to bolt the furniture to the floor to keep them getting sucked up through the roof she stands in the middle of the room why is it so hot in here Jeffrey why is it so hot I can’t see her because of the fog that’s coming out of her mouth and then she wakes me up to feel her night sweats is that even necessary I’m sound asleep when she zips my parkao pen while I’m lying there wake up and feel this Jeffrey it’s disgusting look at me there’s like a furnace in me or something you’re lucky you don’t have to go through this you know I wouldn’t if you quit waking me up and telling me about it I could sleep right through the perspirating I could doesn’t make a lot of noise oh and one night I wake up there’s a human being at the foot of my bed three o’clock I don’t know if you’ve ever had this there’s a full-grown human and three in a dark room I was had a heart attack it was her she’s at the foot of my bed cutting off the bottom of her flannel pajamas with scissors because they were sticking to her sweaty legs and this demonic thing was coming out of her mouth I’m not kidding I grabbed my sons the next day I said mom’s going through some serious stuff here like what remember those nights you didn’t do your homework should you get Maddie I let you reel out he goes I remember that this is different she might be crying and then stab you, you guys have been great god bless you thank you so much .